Counsel For Hope
This blog answers some of the common questions that are searched online about therapy and how symptoms show up in everyday life that can be helped using a holistic approach to healing.
|Posted on 16 January, 2017 at 20:10|
Addiction to another person and the need to control them! When co-dependents take ownership of another person's problem, they get their sense of wellbeing, by directing the behavior of the dependent person, however, they end up being controlled by the person they are trying to help. A person who has a relationship with an addicted / abusive person demonstrated certain characteristics: Increased tolerance of unacceptable behavior; denial of the level of severity of the personal impact and damage; value system that has been compromised to manage pain; reduction in life areas such as spiritual, physical, work, and family; a feeling of being trapped; strategically planning exit; and developing their own addictions.
People in most cases are not aware they are enabling and becoming co-dependent. Loving too much, or trying to do the right thing, however many times they feel guilty because their attempts are not good enough to make the person they love change. It is common for children to become codependent when a parent is either abusive or addicted or an immediate family member is.
It is documented that co-dependents often feel guilty because they believe they did something to cause their loved one to go out of control. They have tried to change the person and think somehow if they try harder, they can control the person with a problem that is controlling their life. The irrational belief is that a person can control another person, which leads to a painful cycle of failure and loss of self-worth.
Co-dependents live in a pain filled world. They live with a constant feeling of shame and fear. The ones they love cannot give them support, so they lose trust, shutting down their feelings. Since they are hiding the problem, they cannot talk to anyone. The emotional stress can create medical problems. To address this pain, co-dependents sometime make poor decisions that lead to personal addictions of their own or other behaviors that are harmful.
Christians are often susceptible to co-dependency and the church by accident can teach co-dependency behaviors. It cases where Christians attempt to love others as Christ tells us to, Christian's slip into actions that lead to co-dependency relationships, where they love too much and enable. We are all codependent on each other, but as Rom. 12:7-16;1, Cor. 12:12-27 we are to be interdependent and avoid polarizing behaviors of independence and co-dependence.
|Posted on 8 January, 2017 at 19:40|
A Toxic person will take down a victim to a point where they are forced to reduce old people-pleasing habits and turns their focus inward and criticize themselves for feeling. When a victim's self-worth becomes so damaged, it requires learning how to love oneself unconditionally. In the past, when victims were young they may have not been allowed to have emotions. However, due abusive behavior of the toxic person this is an opportunity for victims to learn how to self soothe intense negative emotions.
|Posted on 19 December, 2016 at 11:10|
Psychological projection is based on the theory in psychology where humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. However, a clever toxic person that knows something about psychology will setup their victim by telling the victim's friends and family that the victim is projecting their toxic personality onto the toxic person and the toxic person will act innocent. When the victim points out the abuse from the toxic person to friends and family, the victim looks like they are projecting their negative qualities onto the toxic person. Then the toxic person confirms with the victim's friends and family that the victim has mental problems. This way the friends and family of the victim doubt the victim's accusations of being abused and go along with the toxic person because it relates to psychological theory and they saw what the toxic person wanted them to see, which was a baited setup. The toxic person manipulated the theory to suit their needs to continue to isolate the victim and victimize them.
|Posted on 18 December, 2016 at 16:00|
When toxic people do something that is wrong or hurtful they accept no blame and even blame others. Toxic people are willing to hurt anybody whenever it is necessary to help meet their objectives. Toxic people lie or tell partial truths to convince or confuse others to hurt their victims or their victims of their intent. Toxic people can dissociate from a crisis and show no emotions where others would react. Toxic people can be extremely charming, however, there are moments they must step away since they cannot maintain this character for a long period, and then they become cold, distant, and lack genuineness. Toxic people can be of extreme intelligence and they can use this intelligence to get ahead of their victims to plan strategies to manipulate and hurt their victims on their own or with the help of their team of other toxic people or codependents trying to win their approval. Many of the mass murderers had high IQs. Toxic people understand a person's weaknesses and learn to exploit them. Once a person's weaknesses are identified the toxic person can do most anything they want to the targets. Toxic people look for insecure, sad, and overall weak people, whose needs are unmet, and avoid strong people since they be caught and exposed. It takes time for a toxic person to gain control over a victim, but slowly they work on ultimate control without the person realizing it. Toxic people from a distance like to prey on strong people to see if they can get away with gaining control as a game without getting caught by using pawns of unsuspecting contacts, friends, and family of the victims. Toxic people figure if they stay out of the scene the victim is confused as to where the psychological abuse strikes are coming from. If a toxic person cannot control the victim direclty, they will develop a half truth or lie so they can control how others view and act toward their victims. Toxic people have a huge ego that they are superior in many ways to others, which turns out to be false, and this superiority may be visible to the public, or it may be only visible behind the closed doors of immediate family, due to the need to protect their public image. Toxic people have difficulty holding eye contact since they are afraid of empathy, however if they feel like they are undetected they may coldly stare directly at their victim. Toxic people have few genuine friends. When someone has a few friends that creates a question of the reasons. Sometimes through psychological abuse the victim is isolated to make it look like they have no friends or family that they can count on to control the victim. Usually a toxic person will have people hanging around them that are used as supporters and admirers of the toxic person and benefit it some way of associating with the toxic person in status and or monetarily and the toxic person uses this to control them. Many toxic people will move extremely fast to secure relationships before the victim has a chance to think through what just happened, they will wear a mask that fits the victim’s unmet needs to make them look like a perfect match. Then they start to isolate the victims by playing the victim with the victim's friends and family so the victim sides with the toxic person over their friends and family because they feel they have found their soulmate, based on the mask the toxic person is wearing. Baiting is something toxic people use to get their victim to react. The purposely annoy their victims for fun to show others how unstable they are or exploy their weaknesses to show how powerful they are. Bait and switch is also used with a victim where the toxic person will fake the need for assistance only to make fun of and shame the vicitm who assists them. Also, many times toxic people with use a sad story to get the victim to feel sorry for the toxic person then the toxic person makes fun of how easy it was to get the victim to want to help with a fake story. Toxic people can be violent since they have no empathy toward others and don't care who they hurt or use.
|Posted on 18 December, 2016 at 14:00|
At first a toxic person acts extremely happy for a victim's success during this idealization and love bombing phase of the relationship. They may use the victim as a trophy to gain status and prestige of being associated with the victim. They have no problem benefiting from the victim's wealth, contacts, and status. As the relationship progresses the toxic person’s need to devalue the victim, and their competitiveness, and overall envy eat away at them, and unconsciously forces the toxic person to devalue and then discard the victim.
|Posted on 12 December, 2016 at 0:40|
A toxic person's weapon of choice is often verbal slander, lies, playing the victim in flipping tales of who was the victim and who was the abuser, gossip, rage, verbal abuse, and the purposeful infliction of emotional pain. They use misdirection, triangulation, and lies to set up and continue the toxic ploy. The Toxic person systematically dismantles another person's relationships, reputation, emotional, physical, and spiritual health, life and their very soul. Many times, the victims are not aware of the covert tactics these toxic people use until it is too late. Toxic people look for other toxic people to work with or people that are wounded and are people pleasers to use as strategic pawns in their ploy to destroy victims. Toxic people are considered covert emotional vampires due to the systematic approach of psychological abuse.
|Posted on 4 December, 2016 at 13:40|
Abuse is about control of another person or group. Abuse can come from an individual or from a group of people. It is to control an individual or group subtly or directly, against their will. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, sexual, physical, financial, and spiritual. Many times, we hear about domestic violence or assault of a person and that is considered overt aggression (physical, sexual, financial, verbal) because it can be seen or heard. However, for example, over 80% of domestic violence is emotional abuse, which is covert aggression. Emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse can happen subtly and can be easily missed by most people, except for the victim or victims that have experienced this form of abuse. Many times, victims do not realize they are being manipulated or abused because of their brokenness or from wounds of their past. Innocent individuals or groups can be recruited by toxic people or a group, because of being told half-truths, to manipulate them, and they are unaware that they are helping the toxic person or group abuse the targeted victim or group. Many times, when a toxic person or group cannot control the victim or group using covert aggression (emotional, subtle financial, and spiritual abuse), control can escalate to overt aggression (verbal, sexual, financial, physical abuse) to try to control. However, other times it is the opposite order or a combination of overt and covert aggression. The courts recognize physical and financial abuse; however, most victims suffer ongoing trauma from verbal, emotional, sexual, spiritual, and subtle financial abuse until they can break free from the control of the toxic person or group and develop self-respect. This can be dangerous for the victim, because a toxic person or group are wounded and fixated, and feels they need the victim to feel whole and losing the victim is losing what they think completes them. Many times toxic people can be people in high level positions, and they have power, money, status, and can easily hide behind a social mask.
|Posted on 25 November, 2016 at 13:55|
Neurotic shame is a sense that a person feels defective and flawed as a human being and is the core of all addictions. The neurotic shame is toxic because it does not show our limits as humans, but it is a state of being, a core identity. It is a sense of worthlessness, and falling short as a human being. This toxic neurotic shame is a rupture of the self with the self. Toxic neurotic shame can be described as the feeling of being isolated and alone.
Because toxic neurotic shame is the core and fuel of all compulsive/addictive behaviors, there is a need to mood alter to escape one’s current reality and that creates life damaging consequences. Because the addiction creates life damaging consequences it also creates more toxic shame and the cycle continues.
A person that has toxic neurotic shame measured their worth from the outside instead of from the inside. The cycle starts with a false belief that the person is flawed as a human and the person is a mistake. Then the distorted thinking processes that no one could love the person as they are. The person needs something outside of themselves to feel whole. The person then use mood alteration and acting out. They experience the life damaging consequences of: hangovers, blackout, overextended credit cards, bankruptcy, disgust with body, caught in adultery, caught by the law, disease, divorce, and burnout due to overworking. Any thought or behavior can become addictive if it is used to mood alter and allow a person to escape reality.
|Posted on 13 November, 2016 at 11:00|
This is a summary of common actions, feelings, and thoughts addicts, abusers, and co-dependents have. They have difficulty making decisions, judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough, value others' approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own, and do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons. They seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than, have difficulty admitting a mistake, need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good, are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want, and have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. Addicts, abusers, and co-dependents believe people are incapable of self-care, try to convince others what to think or feel, offer unsolicited advice and direction, and become resentful when their help is rejected. They try to use lavish gifts, favors or sexual attention on those they want to influence, they demand that their needs be met by others, use blame and shame to control, adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes, use recovery jargon to control the behavior of others, and pretend to agree with others to get what they want. In general addicts, abusers, and co-dependents have low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, the need to control, fear, abandonment, use relationships to comfort or numb their pain, minimizes, denies, and blames to protect the relationship, and the relationship becomes the addict's abuser's, and co-dependent's primary focus. They have difficulty identifying what they are feeling, lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others, mask pain in various ways, such as anger, humor, or isolation, and they experience significant aggression, resentment, and negativity.
|Posted on 5 November, 2016 at 16:05|
Co-dependency can serve as an alternate addiction or distraction. People that are co-dependent may use relationships to try to deal with depression or anxiety. In the long run, co-dependency is self-defeating, since the few things that cannot be controlled is the will of another person or the environment around us and how things work out. As mentioned in previous blog's, co-dependency in a relationship is when one person identifies their worth based on someone else. Many times, the codependent person chooses relationships where the other person needs to be rescued and this creates a dependency to want to fix/control the other person. Over time, a co-dependent relationship becomes increasably defined by the identification with the other person. If there is a period apart from the target or they cannot control the target, the co-dependent experiences extreme anxiety and/or depression. For the co-dependent, the relationship takes the place of self-love. Despite the negative consequences of depression, anxiety, anger, resentment, loss of other friends, physical stress, and poor job performances, a co-dependent cannot let go of this attachment to the target.